One of the things I can always do, no matter how exhausted, is to walk. So I took a quick walk in the sunshine to clear my cloudy mind. I started sorting through my brain clutter and pondered, as I have way too often, as to why I don't sleep normally. The usual answers popped up: hormones (a very real physical problem for me at present), stress (also very real with homeschooling four children), diet (too much sugar perhaps?), etc., etc.
Then like a bolt of lightening it came to me. I am grieving and haven't dealt with it. I had been noticing a heaviness in my chest lately and a low-grade depression. But what am I grieving?
I thought about the last few days. I had been looking through some old photos on my husbands laptop, and came across some of my sweet little daughter, Pauline. She looked so innocent and sweet and young. She was dressed in her Mennonite dress and was playing in the snow, with a scarf draped around her head, the way Mennonites do. Her eyes were big and happy and clear -- so wholesome. Right then I felt a little twinge of pain in my heart. Pain that that sweet little girl no longer exists. I know that probably sounds horrible for a mother to say and I feel guilty for writing it.
I'm grieving over my old self and my old life. Even though I never want to go back, I don't think I'm done grieving over needed losses. I think I'll write it out over the next few days and see where it takes me...