Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Where is my little girl?

Lastnight, I got a meager three and a half hours of the yearned-for luxury called sleep.  Today I'm barely functioning, although I'm getting pretty good at pretending to be normal.  I hope sleep deprivation is not normal.

One of the things I can always do, no matter how exhausted, is to walk.  So I took a quick walk in the sunshine to clear my cloudy mind.  I started sorting through my brain clutter and pondered, as I have way too often, as to why I don't sleep normally.  The usual answers popped up:  hormones (a very real physical problem for me at present), stress (also very real with homeschooling four children), diet (too much sugar perhaps?), etc., etc.

Then like a bolt of lightening it came to me.  I am grieving and haven't dealt with it.  I had been noticing a heaviness in my chest lately and a low-grade depression.  But what am I grieving? 

I thought about the last few days.  I had been looking through some old photos on my husbands laptop, and came across some of my sweet little daughter, Pauline.  She looked so innocent and sweet and young.  She was dressed in her Mennonite dress and was playing in the snow, with a scarf draped around her head, the way Mennonites do.  Her eyes were big and happy and clear -- so wholesome.  Right then I felt a little twinge of pain in my heart.  Pain that that sweet little girl no longer exists.  I know that probably sounds horrible for a mother to say and I feel guilty for writing it.



 


I'm grieving over my old self and my old life. Even though I never want to go back, I don't think I'm done grieving over needed losses.  I think I'll write it out over the next few days and see where it takes me...



 

 

7 comments:

  1. Hi, Jimi Ann.

    I just came across your post via the Blogplicity FB group. I am sorry you are dealing with such grief over your leaving the Mennonite community- it cannot be easy to leave a group in which you have felt like you belonged for a period of time.

    My thoughts are with you at this time,

    Casey

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  2. It's so hard to break free from that which we need to...especially when our whole lives are centered around it. Community is so important...I hope that you will soon connect with others that share similar values and interests so that your pain will become less and your joy more. All that we can do is our best as parents. I'm sure that is exactly what you're doing, and that's all you can do. ::hugs:: I will pray for love, light and hope for you and your family as you continue journeying on in your new beginning.

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  3. I understand what you are going through, for when I look at my 7 year old son's innocent face- I feel terrible because he is no more and the pain is real, I do not want to sit and continue to think about him, its only a year and he has become my past experience. I shift my focus to my present, and hug my 11 year old daughter who is alive, and also misses him.

    hope and pray that you will find strength to deal with this grief, thanks for sharing.

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  4. I especially liked the phrase 'needed losses'...How true. And how strange that our hearts still remember and seemingly long for past relationships and friendships that in many ways we needed to lose in order to grow. Holding your heart in mine, Jimi Ann.

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  5. Jimi Ann, I can't even begin to imagine what you are experiencing right now, but I understand loss. Your story has truly touched my heart. I hope that you can come to terms with your feelings, and until then, I will keep you close in prayers ♥

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  6. I lost a friend few months ago. It felt like hell. She decided to leave, I wanted to die thinking there is o way i can live without her, but things do get better <3 HUGS

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